Updated: Sep 20, 2020
For years I’ve been fascinated with the masculine/feminine balance in relationships, and not just from just a gender perspective. My natural curiosity tends more toward the esoteric - to observing and understanding hidden energetic interplay and its expression in relationships. But having worked with countless individuals on improving their ability to simply cultivate better balance with their lovers and partners, I thought I would share a few insights on the fascinating topic of masculine and feminine expression. I'll leave the esoteric interpretations for another article, and concentrate here on the biopsychosocial.
Firstly, this will be a broad generalisation of men and women for the purposes of the article, but these are things that men (or the more masculine partner) should know - and more importantly can do - to make life easier when it comes to loving women. If you are in a toxic relationship, there will be much deeper dynamics which need to be addressed and healed first, and a coaching session may help.
Secondly, this article is not meant to stir the debate pot on gender identity, gender politics or political correctness! It's not about 'gender identified' roles. It's a discussion on the way masculine and feminine energies are expressed. For same sex couples the themes will still apply, but the subtle dynamics need to be really well understood. The 5 As I talk about in this post are given and received by one partner to the other. The most feminine partner in the moment (this can switch around in heterosexual relationships) can greatly benefit by receiving the 5 As from their partner if they are feeling overwhelmed, fragile or low. But for ease I'm using men and women to demonstrate some key differences.
Whilst it's correct to say that both men and women can harness and channel masculine and feminine energy (and in various combinations of the two), what I've observed is that in the vast majority of heterosexual relationships - unless the roles are clearly negotiated otherwise - women (or the more feminine partner) tend to be most comfortable being in embodiment of their natural feminine energy.
This is not to say men (or the more masculine partner) must be overtly macho - that’s another topic of conversation - just that women in their true feminine will feel less anxious, less neurotic, more capable and have higher self (and other) regard when they're encouraged into doing what comes naturally. Why this is, is relatively simple; but why is it so critically important to ensure women are thriving?
Because women mother our children, and are nurturing and conditioning the next generation. That's pretty important, wouldn't you agree?
But what if your partner isn't a mother? Well, any female who feels unsettled can - and will - make her mate's life tough (think: over-reactivity, attacking behaviours and provocation which all result from switching from feminine to masculine and back to feminine expression). Some of the biggest learning couples face is around how masculine and feminine expressions best compliment each other and how to responsibly wield them. If the balance is off, care can quickly move to opposition and repulsion and destroy bonds of 'expectation and understanding' that thread and knit the partnership.
The classic male/female dynamic can be understood in our ancient (and somewhat enduring) hunter/gatherer roles. Masculine energy (penetrative by nature) was channelled by men into good aim which was essential for hunting (and hitting) targets for survival. Women (receptive by nature) intuitively gathered and created and nurtured from what was vastly available, including what was resourced from their own bodies. We've come a long way from the caves and forests, but the lords of evolution must still hold hope we won't stray too far from our design.
So here are some important facts:
Women are biologically built to be more anxious, neurotic and hypervigilant than men, which serves the purpose of raising infants and keeping them alive all day every day (no easy task - makes you rethink the stress of work, right guys?!)
When women are comfortable and in their 'element', this acute awareness for the preservation of life cultivates receptivity and lends itself to responsiveness - the biological imperative for mothering.
If the receptivity system is alarmed - meaning women are forced into worrying about things outside of their sphere of reasonable concern - reactivity, rather than responsiveness, will result. (This may have been necessary when predators or pillagers came knocking, but misdirected at hubby when he gets home from work is much less useful!)
Women will regularly test their male partners for signs of an overabundance of feminine energy (uncertainty, insecurity, neuroticism) to gauge whether they need to be on high alert or not, which inevitably leads to all kinds of problems (see Navigating Traps Set By Women).
Attempts to resettle and find security can manifest as provocation. Provocation is a woman's way of magnetically drawing out masculine energy in her mate so she can settle back in her feminine, comfortable that the balance is restored and her man can take care of her survival whist she takes care of her infant (metaphorically speaking). Unfortunately, provocation can lead to the opposite result, with men retreating further into their feminine, or becoming volatile with explosive rage (masculine force).
So where do we start? If possible we start by helping women get what they need, so they can best provide for the needs of others who are reliant on them. Consider this list of actions as a beginning guide to more responsible (response-able) relating, and think about how (and when) you can show them to your partner. These gifts in action have the miraculous effect of settling women in their feminine. I call them the 5 As:
Women will generally thrive when met by these five core actions. They all impart direct value into the sphere of your lover, and have the effect of unequivocally delivering the message that your lover can recalibrate. Just like good sex, a receptive female who opens to receive her male partner will experience the effect of settling in her feminine, and replaces reactivity with responsiveness and abrasiveness with her loving, embracive disposition.
If you'd like more help on cultivating these five core behaviours, you may like to book a session with me or read more of my work. If you are interested in becoming part of my A-Men team and would like more advice on relationships, spirituality, or life advancement, I commend you for your interest in building conscious connections, and would love to hear from you.
The Truth About Toxic Relationships (coming soon)
Navigating Traps Set By Women - A Real Man's Survival Guide (coming soon)
My Partner is Crazy! How Convenient... (coming soon)
Relationship Karma: You've Been Set Up! (coming soon)